THE BIG PHASE SHIFT

as this summer moves forward with tremendous speed, i continue to look behind me. why do i do that? it's not easy to foget the past, especially when you're not 100% comfortable with your new living experience. don't get me wrong, life is good, and i hate talkin like a bitch. but i find myself real tired all the time. i think i'm still recovering from the crazy year i had. add to that the sensroy overload one goes through day in day out in the big city, and you've got one tired stevos.

should i be worried? i mean, it really affects my attitudes towards life, which are becoming more erratic than they've been before. i often say that i'm "emotionally neutral", but in this state i feel like shit half the time. i feel terribly undermotivated, unenthusiastic and overly pessimistic about everything. i worry about a whole slew of things that are so far beyond my control that they ain't worth fussin over, like the the future. and then there's those things i shouldn't worry about, like appearance and social mobility and all that bullshit toronto stuff that any level headed person, myself included, knows is bullshit. but i worry about those things too, irrationally.

i sleep plenty, i eat fine, i get a bit of exercise here and there...what's missing? i dunno...CFRC...a girlfriend...a band...the vast majority of the people i know...

but those parts of my life are distant from my present. they've long since left my grasp.

i suppose it's an adjustment thing. i guess i have to find something that makes me feel useful again. and i have to find some scene that i can be a part of. these things will take time.

perhaps my biggest problems are impatience and nostalgia. all i think about are the past and the future. for once in my life i've forgotten how to get get stuck in the present, and somehow, i'll relearn this in due time.