15 FAVOURITE ALBUMS OF THE YEAR IN FIVE SENTENCES OR LESS

Tortoise – All Around You

It’s a soundtrack for your dreams of prehistoric travel. Lush to the extreme without falling into new-age wankery. Calculated micro-metrically to cause visions of diplodocuses bathing in waterfalls.

Devendra Banhart – Nino Rojo + Rejoicing in the Hands

Two albums that can be viewed as one, in which case it makes for two hours of sitting crossed legged on your rug imagining that you’re either the guy or girl in “Norwegian Wood”. Play this album for your children in ten years and they’ll have no major problems growing up. It’ll be like when our parents introduced us to Cat Stevens. Or better yet, what we could have enjoyed if our parents had let us listen to acid-era Brian Wilson. “Be Kind” should win a Grammy for “Best Song In A Genre Not Found at the Grammy’s”.

!!! – Louden Up Now

Every song on the album is a hard-arsed banger, except for a brief interlude, which is really a banger of an interlude. Nick Offer reminds us what it’s like to really love to swear when you’re eight years old and pissed at the world. Every time you put on this album or any !!! album for that matter, you have your own private party in your head, and all your friends show up to tell you psyched they are to see these guys live. They wanna thank you for it, big time, with lots of free beer.

Animal Collective – Sung Tongs

We’ve entered a new era of home recording. I’m hoping that the kids out there will try at least once to put down their electric guitars, turntables or whatever the new penis of music is, get five of their friends into one room and record songs that are 90% vocally driven. This album proves that you don’t need lyrics to write singing parts, so long as you can remain innovative with gibberish sounds, nonsensical statements and loud exhalations.

Arcade Fire – Funeral

Here we were, thinking that hype was a problem, when all of a sudden, a band that’s worth it plays some big gigs, rocks the house, and releases a concept album about death and power outages. There may never be an album so appropriately released for the fall season again. Produced in the most professional living room in the country.

Hidden Cameras – Mississauga Goddamn

Do you believe in the good of life? Well, you should. If you don’t, give this album a go and it’ll warm your cold, cynical heart and remind you of how lucky you are to be alive and not losing limbs in foreign countries.

Mahogany Frog – Vs. Mabus

Why be afraid of progressive rock? The 70’s are nothing to be ashamed of. Tortoise can be compared to Weather Report without bricks being thrown, so let’s put our differences aside and embrace instrumental jazz-rock fusion, and at the coming-out party we can freak out to Mahogany Frog.

Air – Talkie Walkie

I once listened to my step-sister’s boyfriend, a slick Southern charmer from Virginia now living in LA, tell me that the best way to get a girl into the sack is by putting a Zero 7 album on the stereo system. When I told him Air was better, he said, “You mean those two French fags? Yeah, they’re alright.” He’s obviously never gotten a blowjob while listening to “Surfing on a Rocket.” I’m going to chalk up that argument in the win column.

Warsaw Village Band – People’s Spring

Young people need to look back on traditions, and while they’re at it, they can redefine them when necessary. On People’s Spring, the Warsaw Village Band turn wedding songs and Chassidic dances into feminist anthems and freedom jams. The dulcimer/string section/body drum combo might just be the new de rigeur of the 21st century.

Sadies – Favourite Colours

There’s no shame in loving Johnny Cash and The Byrds at the same time. The Sadies have marked new territory in their quest for gold. We should revive AM Radio and give it to the Sadies for all the lonely people in the woods.


Coco Rosie – La Maison de Mon Reve

What a way to go broke? These two sisters do it in style by flying to Paris and cooping themselves up in a tiny apartment with nothing but a piano and a guitar and some children’s toys.

The Ex – Turn

We need poets we need painters we need poets we need painters we need poetry and paintings.

The Go Team – Thunder, Lightning, Strike

Nothing is more fun than double dutch on the funky schoolyard train, dig? These here cats gon be round long time, sho nuff!

Medeski Martin & Wood – End of the World Party (Just in Case)

This band is ridiculous. They just do whatever the fuck they want. They don’t even really need to keep time with one another anymore. So they make two albums that shake the foundations of jazz and then release a basic, laid-back groove album that even frat boys can love.

Brian Wilson - Smile

The maniac has finally put it together after 35 years in a skullduggery. Smile has been revived and sounds better with actual lyrics to go along with the “ooga chucka” ones. Wilson hasn’t lost much of his youth, thankfully, and as a result, his vision is just as clear as it was before the drug cocktails entered the picture.

BEST FILMS IN TWO SENTENCES OR LESS

Control Room

Cured my Farenheit 9/11 hangover. Finally, a documentary about Iraq that brings the heartache to us without prying open our mouths and stuffing it down our esophaguses.

Discordia

Remember those guys who smashed the windows? And the guys who hated them for it? They’re back! And guess what? They’re all assholes!

Team America: World Police

We must never use puppets for amusement again. The artform has been sufficiently perfected.

The Triplets of Belleville

We must never use CGI animation for amusement again, as the hand drawn realm still reigns king.

Mean Girls

High school movies can really suck. Two things that can improve them: a) an intelligent script that examines the animal nature of human psychology, and b) Lindsay Lohan’s sweet bajungas.

Motorcycle Diaries

Why not make a film about everyone’s favourite badass that portrays him as a slick, mischievous womanizer who loves lepers?

BEST SHOWS / PARTIES

Brave New Waves Anniversay w/ !!! / Barcelona Pavillion @ Sala Rossa, Montreal, March 27

Dance to the Underground w/ Grand Theft Bus @ Scherzo Pub, Kingston, April 15

I Love Neon w/ A Touch of Class @ SAT, Montreal, February 14

Mayor McCa w/ BA Johnston @ Grad Club, February

Beats Breaks and Culture w/ Manitoba, Jaga Jazzist, Harbourfront, July

The Blow w/ Barcelona Pavillion, Yacht @ Cinecycle, November

Medeski Martin & Wood @ Koolhaus, December 4