MEMORIES CAN'T WAIT

it wasn't too long ago i had two incomes that afforded me all the luxuries a 22 year old kid could want. making way more than i needed to get by each month, i was left with a vastly disposable income after paying housing costs and buying groceries. after a year of buying many lunches, drinking cup after cup at any cafe of my choosing, buying dope whenever i wanted, covering my friends when they couldn't afford door charge and drinks, taking trips out of town on a whim, treating myself and a friend or two to dinner whenevr i felt the urge, even investing in small business transactions and financial risks, all of these things have lessened my ability to save money and manageme finances (despite the fact that i successfully handled $100,000 of someone else's money in one of my jobs). while i regret none of my indulgences, i could have learned a few more things about fiscal responsibility.

it wasn't too long ago that i found myself as a mover and shaker in my little scene. i was well known, loved by the vast majority of those around me, i never hesitated to either join or start the party at every opportunity. i could look around and see people i knew from all walks of the community at every turn. all my endeavours were recognized by my peers as something worthwhile, something that made thier lives more enjoyable. while i worked my hardest, i ensured that my presence in the surrounding social environment was realized to its maximum potential. but i tell ya, i could have prepared better for the time when those things ceased to be,. i realize now that i'd forgotten what the view was like from within the sea of faces.

i find myself now wondering what reason i have to even think about what now only resides in my own memory and that of those i lived with.

in recent conversation with my ex-girlfriend, we'd been discussing the emotional realm of childhood memories. i'd been drawn to tell a story about one of my earliest recollections: i was about 3 or 4, and my folks and i went to some place known to me, even to this day, only as "bob's place", some cottage near a resort area in the killarnies. i've never been back and for the life of me, i have no clue where this place is and my parents probably don't remember how to get there, so for all the good it can do me, it's really just someplace within my head.

i remember being on the shore of a lake, in a bay, leaning forward with both hands on the hull of an upturned fishing boat. jumping up the keel of the boat was a little green frog, hopping at quick intervals. the whole episode lasted only a few seconds, but i remember my fascination and joy at watching this tiny frog leap up the boat. i remember my mother standing behind me saying "look, isn't that something?" what a marvelous thing it was to witness. i can only express in tears how it felt to experience the joy of that simple moment, when nothing mattered but life itself and the precious relationship we have with our surroundings.

if i were condemned to a psychological limbo and was given only one memory to relive for eternity, it would be this one. i cannot remember ever again having felt that happy and content with life. i've had moments that in certain contexts seemed highly liberating and exceptionally wonderful, but that memory of the frog cannot be overtaken. that seemingly insignificant and brief period of time was the best moment of my life.

why? because it was not a moment i had to fight for. it was simply given to me by nature. all i had to do was watch it happen. everything else since then was wrought from the daily struggle we endure to make ourselves happy. the older we get, the more imbued we are with stress and doubt, so we have to work to make ourselves happy again. we are disrupted by our fear of the worst that can happen, and thus, we are always stand on guard.

i don't blame us for doing so. we live in a world where simplicty and meaning are hidden by all the walls that we've built around the notions of human experience. we rarely have the opportunity to see things as they exist behind the curtains of our sophistication.

i regret nothing. i've never in my life expected anything to make me happier than some of those peaceful childhood moments. nor do i consider it resignation when i don't think i'll ever achieve that kind of fullfillment again. but my life is absent of continued horror and pain, and the hardships i've endured have been solved by my soundness of mind and spirit. a great number of people wish for such luck.

when you think about how many people have lived in human history, and take into account what you know about slavery, war, famine, and other disasters of human existence, it's not far fetched to think that the vast majority of souls lived tormented lives that they wished daily were not their own.

i long for the day that we can experience what it once meant to be human, long before our times, eons ago, when everyday one could see themselves as a part of the soil they walked on and the air they breathed. we've abstracted our closeness to nature and we have little knowledge that being human means to a great extent living in cooperation with our surroundings.

but i myself cannot make such things happen. i can only hope to work with countless others to ensure that those alive many generations down the line won't have to see frogs and millions of other creatures go extinct.

in the meantime, i say fuck finding a "job" for the moment. i'd rather work for free on something much larger than myself and my pocketbook while i have the chance. we the affluent youth live in the prime conditions to give ourselves to the betterment of the world we share with over 6 billion other people. we'll all die within the next century, every one of us, but perhaps if we work hard enough such death will be more bearable than it's been over previous centuries.